(this is part two in a series. If you don't read it from the beginning, it's not going to read as well. part one -- part two -- part three -- part four -- part five -- part six ... please read these in order.)



I�ve talked about the whole Jonny thing. If you don�t know anything about that, I�ll try to find those entries and link them here. These are the original entries Jonny 1 -- Jonny 2 -- Jonny 3

This is an entry about my opinions on rape and such Here

These are the expanded version� the second series of entries about Jonny� but these go much further in-depth. In these entries I discuss the power thing.

rape and purgings 1

rape and purgings 2

rape and purgings 3

rape and purgings 4

rape and purgings 5

rape and purgings 6

rape and purgings 7

rape and purgings 8

rape and purgings 9

rape and purgings 10

Because of my experience with him, I have made choices in my life. First off, through him, I learned about sexual power. I learned that by promising/hinting at some form of sexual contact (kissing, hand holding, petting) I could get things I wanted. This led me into further experiments with power. It was just the beginning, the foundation so to speak, but it was enough.

The real me, the sweet, gentle, loving person I was, was subverted. I hated Jonny. I really did. I thought he was a geek and creepy and I thought that 1 his being interested in a girl six years younger than he was, when he was only 21, was disgusting, 2 his willingness to experiment sexually with me while talking about how wonderful his fianc� was, was foul, depraved and disgusting, 3 his willingness to use me for sexual gratification when I was young and had no previous sexual experience whatsoever was cruel, mean, stupid, boorish and marked him as an asshole.

But, the part that hurt me most? Even though I thought all these things then, even though I hated him and his physical touch made me cringe inside� even though I wanted nothing more than to knee him in the balls, call Mom to come pick me up and never, ever, ever see him again� ever, I not only let him touch and kiss me, I encouraged it.

I hated myself for that more than I hated him.

And, as I realize today, I made a promise to myself that I would never, ever let that happen to me again. I told myself that I would never, ever allow someone to touch me without my permission.

What I didn�t do was promise myself that I wouldn�t give permission to someone who wasn�t my husband. I didn�t promise myself that I would keep myself chaste.

I had gotten a taste of power� of capitalism in it�s most basic form. Service for service. I wanted out of the house. I wanted dinners out. I wanted movies. I wanted jewelry. I wanted rides in the car. I wanted companionship. Jonny was the only one around who was capable of doing those things. And the price for that was sexual gratification in some form.