(this is part two in a series. If you don't read it from the beginning, it's not going to read as well. part one -- part two -- part three -- part four -- part five -- part six ... please read these in order.)



Hey, that�s not so far fetched a scenario � especially in my life. I went grocery shopping today, briefly. Instead of buying four different kinds of chips, three kinds of cookies and four pints of ice cream � Ben and Jerry�s, Fangs you very munch � to accompany the two half-racks of soda; I got four Marie Callendar�s TV dinners, a quart of milk, a bulk bag of rice crackers, shredded cheese, flour tortillas, tortilla chips, two bags of pasta, two seasoning packets� and a box of cookies. (I�ll get the refried beans, enchilada sauce and sour cream from another store tomorrow. I already have the beef.) I have about seven grapefruits and four oranges here. If I buy more fruit, some or all of it will spoil.

I did buckle to temptation by buying the cookies, but I behaved fairly well. I�ll be able to make enchiladas tomorrow or Monday. That�s both lunch and dinner for three days. And, since after my thrice-weekly workouts, I get a large salad, I don�t get salad fixings.

You know, I�ve been avoiding this for a great many years, but I�m going to have to admit what everyone lese already knows.

Man, I don�t want to say these words. I don�t want to write them. I�ve been loudly saying that I don�t have this problem for so long that the only one who hasn�t heard it is me.

My name is Jennifer, and I have an eating problem. I generally eat one prepared meal a day, but I snack, munch, inhale, stuff, cram and consume throughout the day.

I�ve said every excuse I can think of.

It�s not how much you eat but what you eat
I only eat one meal a day
I don�t get hungry
My obesity is actually caused by emotional/psychological issues
I don�t have a problem
I didn�t eat sweets so I don�t have a problem
If no one sees me eat it, it doesn�t count
I�ve tried dieting, my body just doesn�t respond properly
I�m naturally big, I shouldn�t have to lose as much weight as people seem to think
The world needs to accept me
The world needs to change, not me
I don�t really have a problem
I like being this big � people don�t bother me
I don�t need any help
I don�t have a problem

There are probably more, but I�m not putting forth the effort to think of them right now.

All of this is the long way of saying that it�s time for me to honestly admit the truth.

I�m fat. I�m fat because I have eaten the wrong foods too often and too secretly. There might be some truth in the whole emotional/psychological cause argument, but that�s an excuse. And it�s an excuse that just doesn�t work anymore.

I haven�t had a period since October.

That should probably worry me more than it does, but all it prompts in me is gladness that I don�t have to buy supplies or deal with the mess or stench. Trust me, when you�re fat, you have to bathe more frequently than those who aren�t.

So, if I were at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, what would I say?

*thinks*

I hear the stories here. I listen to the people exposing their innermost fears, doubts and failings. But all I think is� that�s not me. I don�t have a problem. I could drop the weight in a matter of a couple months if I really wanted to.

But the truth of the matter is that I can�t do it by myself. I�ve been trying for more than 15 years and the only obvious result is that I�m now a 6/7X rather than a 1X.

I need help. I don�t know how to stop turning to food for my emotional sustenance.

What does my fat do for me? It keeps me isolated. It keeps everyone far enough away that I don�t have to shift out of my comfort zone.

What am I afraid of?

I don�t know. I don�t want to be hurt anymore. But the emotional stuff has either been dealt with or forgotten. I may well have to shed pounds before the motions -- and reasons/actions for them can get out.

Over the years, I�ve spewed a lot of my past upon these pages. I�ve spoken about Jonny, Duncan, Charlie (the father), my brother, my Mom and my Dad� what more do I have to talk about?

Maybe my real issue is just a physical one. Maybe I just have to learn a new way to fuel my body. Maybe it�s really that simple.