===Starting the list today... Fur Elise -- Techno: Beethoven===

Greetings and salutations and all those other things. I'm nervous. *chuckles* I'm so excited about going to Gulf War in March. If any of you are involved in the SCA at all, I would really, really appreciate advice and any suggestions you could make for me. I"ve never gone to an event and all I know about SCA is what Charles and Preston have told me, and what I've read online, which isn't much.

My biggest concern is that I'm going to be there as Charles' guest and I really, really, really don't want to embarrass him or make a fool of myself. In my opinion, everything I do there will be a relfection upon him and it's important that all he hears from friends is praise. I don't want anyone to be groaning about the guy who brought the stupid fat chick who can't fit in. *laughs*

And, it's the "stupid" part of that sentance that has me worried, not the "fat" part. I'm hoping they're not going to grade me on spelling. *winks*

===Pouring from the headphones... Neverending Story===

Anyway, I got to talk with Preston a little last night... or rather, this morning. Damn, I have missed him so very much. We talked about music... that's really the thing that is the strongest bond in our friendship.

If ever any of you get the chance to listen to him play his guitar... Oh, take that opportunity. I promise you, you will be impressed and amazed. When I get to his area on my tour, I'm going to do everything I can to get him to sit in on one of the concerts and a special guitarist. Oh, man, people... any of you who get the opportunity to hear him play... take it in a heart beat.

And ya know what's more? I've only heard him through the phone. I'm so jealous of the people who have gotten to watch him while he played.

See... there's a difference in the two. When you listen to someone via CD, tapes, phone, whatever... when you just hear them... you can hear the talent and be impressed... but when you can see them as they play, you get a more complete picture of how the music affects their lives... You get to see how complete they are when they play.

===Pouring from the headphones... Star Wars Imperial Attack===

There are some for whom music is a gift. They make music look so easy and effortless... they sing with passion and can call out to your blood, get you stirred up. Those are incredible artists... they are absolutely incredible.

But, then, there are those few... and they're extremely rare... for whom music is life. Not just a gift. Not just an option. Not just a thing to use and love, but a thing without which they die. Literally!

In my opinion, Preston is one of those. Like Andrea Bocelli. Like I used to be. And will be again!!!

I don't mean to be putting down people who don't have music as their life blood. And I don't mean to be touting how great I am... I am not great. I never was. BUT, when the Holy Spirit is singing through me... It's incredible. And when I don't open myself to that, I die. Music is what I am. it is who I am. And without it I am dead.

Awe hell, that probably sounds vain as all get out. I don't intend it to. I really don't. It just..... *frowns* There's really no way for me to describe this in human terms. In physical terms, because, for me, music is not a physical thing. It's not a physical creation. For me, music is Spirit.

Regardless... Preston told me last night that there's a good chance he'll be at Gulf War too. Which just rocks my world. I get to meet Charles AND Preston. I've known both of them for nearly three years.

===Pouring from the headphones... Send It Up: VH===

I've known Charles longer, as the Forvalaka. *chuckles* But Preston was there... I suppose around Gulf War, it will be three years for Preston and I... or there-abouts.

*shrugs* Anyway... I suppose the point to all of this is that... I'm going to meet two people who have been very important in my life. And... Preston... It's so nice to be talking with you again. I have missed you so. I'm so thrilled that your life is moving more smoothly. So very thrilled for you. Every little triumph you encounter fills me with joy and pride. I get to tell people that I know you. I really enjoy that.

I'm so looking forward to Gulf War.

I can hear what Charles would be thinking right about now... "There's no way it can live up to the hype." *laughs* That's what Charles told me about the song Perfect Water from Blue Oyster Cult.

===Pouring from the headphones... Best I Ever Had: VH===

That song was the whole reason I DLed Napster in the first place. And it took me damn near 7 hours and three different days in order to DL it. *smiles* It was well worth the hype. Gulf War will be well worth the hype. Charles is already well worth the hype. He'll only get better. *nods matter-of-factly*

I feel like a little kid in a candy store. This brightness, this joy, this completeness... The music is back, my friends. I highly recomend getting the Verticle Horizon CD. Even the depressing songs will lift you up. There's just something about this disc. The whole thing. It's incredible. No matter what I'm feeling, when I listen to Verticle Horizon, I feel good. Happy, safe, secure, complete.... I feel like I'm completely tapped in to the Power of God.

Those of you who are laughing at my insanity and preparing to call the funny-farm... I'd feel this way no matter what coats they had me wearing. *grins*

===Pouring from the headphones... Children's Lullaby: VH===

You know... My Mom was asking me about some of my online friends... talking about pictures and all... she wanted to know how many people I knew... how many I had seen pictures of, and how many people I'd sent pics to. *chuckles*

All of you on this diary know basically what I look like. Hell, I have my pic up here on my site... so you know that I don't look like a complete idiot. At least, not in white. *grins* Of course, my primary clothing color now is black.

I thought, for a while, about dying my wedding gown black. Mom said that wouldn't be a good idea. *chuckles*

===Pouring from the headphones... Everything You Want: VH===

Mom's been asking me about (for the past year or so) what I want for my next wedding. *laughs* My usual answer? A husband. *grins* Then, she asks what dress I want... if I want to wear the same one, if I want another, am I going to wear white, am I going to have a big wedding or a small one... etc.

I finally told her, bottom line... "It's probably going to be real similar to last time. I will know what I want, I will pick it, I will be done. I won't shop.'

*chuckles*

But she wanted more... so, I figure it will go like this...

===Pouring from the headphones... Finding Me: VH===

My husband-to-be's sister will be my maid/matron of honor. I will wear a dress, rather than pants, and the dress will be at least ankle length (I don't like short skirts). He will wear a suit/tux as he sees fit. My Father will give me away. My family will be there. There will be a wedding, tho how large or how small is really kind of up to the husband-to-be. His family will be there. It's one of those items that just has to be there. One of those Marcinko, "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it." moments.

Uh... The honeymoon? Personally, I think a week in Vegas would be cool. That's really a decision I won't make without him. I must add here... I don't know who my husband-to-be is, so any of the above is up for grabs depending on what that man wants/doesn't want. Except the dress. I won't get married in pants, and I won't get married in a dress shorter than ankle length. That's just a thing with me.

===Pouring from the headphones... Give You Back: VH===

Mom asked me about what I want for a wedding ring. *laughs* I told her that was kind of largely up to the man who would ask me to marry him. *laughs* She said that I should figure out what I wanted. *laughs* Okay, fine... this is what I want for a wedding ring...

For those of you who think that just buying me a wedding ring will be the reason I say yes to marrying you... since I'm such an incredibly hot number and all of you are getting out your Tiffany's credit cards.... I want a 7 karat sapphire centerstone, 5 karats of .5 k each diamonds surrounding the sapphire and I want the setting to be in the shape of a rose with the diamonds making up the petals, the sapphire being in the center of the rose. With a 24k gold band. WITH a wide, 24k gold, diamond encrusted band as the wedding band part.

===Pouring from the headphones... Miracle: VH===

For the man I will actually marry... whomever it is that God is preparing for me... I'd like a sapphire centerstone, or a Sapphire and whatever your birthstone is. The setting should be something that links the two stones together. As if they were bound for all eternity, rather than just a single stone. To indicate that we will be a partnership. That we will be joined together, formed into one union, but made up of two seperate entities, sealed by the blessing of God and the power of the Holy Spirit.

I like gold rather than silver, as Gold is more my color. I don't like platinum, cause it looks silver... cmon folks, keep up with me here.. gold is my color... stick with gold. No pink gold... Again, class... GOLD is my color, not pink, not white, not silver... GOLD!!! *smiles sweetly*

Um... *thinks*

===Pouring from the headphones... Shackled: VH===

Hmmmm.

Engraving on the inside of the wedding band? sure. Plain gold band? That's do-able. Tho I'd kinda like some design etched. It depends primarily on what he can afford.

And, sorry if this is prissy or bitchy, but I want him to pay for the engagement and wedding rings. I'll pay for his wedding ring. But I want him to pay for the ones he gives to me.

And this is why... for most men, money is an extremely important item. It represents their sweat, their effort, their focus. Money represents what they spend their time on. A man will spend the largest portion of his life working in order to support himself, family, habits, whatever. If a man is NOT willing to put forth his money for a ring, a symbol of what I mean to him, then he is not willing to put forth his effort for me. If a man is not willing to commit money, he is not going to commit to the marriage or me.

===Pouring from the headphones... Trying to Find Purpose: VH===

I don't care if the ring is huge or small, intricate or plain. What I really care about is that he pay for it. All of it. If he can't afford the one I want, then he will find one similar to it, but less expensive. Because, the cost is not the issue. I don't WANT a 7 karat Sapphire with 5 Karats of diamonds. I want a man who is willing to prove, through spending his time, sweat, effort, life... in order to promise, and mean it, that he is bound to me.

That may seem stupid or foolish to many of you out there. It may seem petty to some of you who think that "love can conquer all". It may seem petty to you who believe in "love at first sight". But this is something that I"ve thought a lot about. I mean, a lot.

With the last ring, the reason I still wear it... the ex paid for 1/3 of it. Mom paid the rest. Mom wanted me to have the best. Duncan would like me to have the best, but he was obsessed with how he couldn't afford it.

===Pouring from the headphones... We Are: VH===

I don't care if a man can't afford what I want. If he can't, then buy what you CAN afford. And, in time, we'll get more and bigger and better. That's how people grow together. That's how marriage grows. Marriage doesn't start off as a perfect, fairy tale deal. Marriage starts of as two people joining together to become better than they could ever be alone.

The ring is a physical symbol of the man's willingness to commit. To actually work for a marriage when it's hard, when it's uncomfortable. If I have to help him pay for his commitment, then I'm going to be helping him commit. I won't make that same mistake.

As much as I love my Mom... I will not let her pay for the wedding rings. Not the one I buy him, not the ones he buys me. I don't need a commitment from my Mother. I need a commitment from my husband.

===Pouring from the headphones... You Say: VH===

*looks at the above* Damn... guess I'm fairly opinionated on that. *chuckles softly*

I've thought a lot about the mistakes I made when I was married last time. I won't make those mistakes again. When I get married this time, I will not get unmarried. This time, God is picking my husband. This time, I'm looking to God for direction. This time, I"m doing it Gods way, not mine.

The dress, invitations, formalities of the wedding... none of that matters to me. The commitment is what matters to me. The promise is what matters to me. I want a man who will make his vows to God.

===Pouring from the headphones... You're A God: VH===

What am I going to do to prove to my husband-to-be that my life is commited to him? I don't know. I don't know what he sees as important in the eyes of women. When God brings my husband-to-be to me, then I'll ask him. Much as I hate the idea, tho... I'm sure that cleaning is going to be involved.

*sighs long-sufferingly* How dare a man expect me to actually..... *shudders* clean. *sighs*

*chuckles, winking* Okay, so that is a little melodramatic, even for me.

You're a God
And I am not
I just thought that you would know
You're a God
and I am not
I just thought I'd let you go

I like that. I think Verticle Horizon just rocks, babes.

===Pouring from the headphones... I Wish It Would Rain Down: Genesis===

Okay, I gotta run down stairs and check on dinner. I'll be back ASAP.

I really gotta stop these two-hour jaunts. *chuckles* I"m back tho. Got sucked into Princess Bride Which always makes me think of Preston. *chuckles* No one would be scared of the Dred Pirate Wesley. *chuckles softly*

Love ya, Preston. Mean it. *winks, trying her hand at "Hollywood Talk"*

*waits for inspiration to hit*

===Pouring from the headphones... In The Air Tonight: Genesis===

My mother seems to be my greatest source of criticism as well as my greatest source of praise. Interesting how that works, eh? I told her about quitting smoking a while back and her first reaction was disbelief. She said she'd believe it when she saw it.

I told her about my recent-found happiness. She said, basically, that she figured it was just an emotional imbalance. *smiles softly* It's like with that one phrase, she just ripped a hole in the sail.

===Pouring from the headphones... Hold On My Heart: Genesis===

That irritates me. A lot. I wanted to share my happiness... my joy... my peace... and with the person who has been with me through most of the tragedies in my life. (I know that my personal tragedies are extremely minor in comparison to fo the world's population, but to me, they were tragedies).

When she does that... when she minimizes my accomplishments, I feel rejected and rebuffed, because I expect her to be my unconditional support. I'm wondering if my own hurt feelings are an overreaction. Probably.

I don't believe they are, but in terms of life and "things to be upset about", not having my mother's unconditional support is probably down there with not having chocolate milk. It's just not a life and death situation.

===Pouring from the headphones... It's My Life: Bon Jovi===

I'm still happy. But I feel like I should hide that from my Mother. I feel like I should not be talking to her anymore. Like ....... *frowns* This is difficult for me to describe...

I feel like she doesn't care... or rather, that she doesn't believe in me. And that hurts. That really hurts.

I've been talking, a lot, about God in this diary as of late. I've been mentioning God and Christ and giving God the "blame" for my change in attitude. I want to talk about it with someone who understands, so that I'm not boring and irritating the people who read this... But, ....... *frowns again*

I don't know... I feel small right now.

I picture myself as a little kid that just got yelled at for watching tv after they'd asked for and received permission. Mentally, I'm looking at my mother in surprise. having expected so much different a response.

===Pouring from the headphones... Tubthumping: ChumbaWumba===

I would have expected a smile and nod and maybe a "good for you, honey" or something like, "I understand what that's like, congratulations." or even, "I don't understand, but I'm happy for you." I didn't expect her to question my mental stability. I didn't expect HER to think I was having a wild mood-swing.

I guess I didn't expect that because I feel it. Because I have this fire inside me. I have this passion back. I have the music back. and she's never felt this. Never. She's never felt the passion and music and happiness and contentment like this. If she has, she's forgotten what it's like. And that's tantamount to never having felt it at all.

*smiles softly*

Well, despite my mother, I'm happy. I really am. I feel alive and bright and welcome and whole and pure within God's sight. I don't know everything God has in store for my life, but I don't intend to let go of this feeling. Not ever.

I should probably write myself a reminder of sorts for those days when I'm not taking advantage of the life and blood which flow white-hot throughout my body.

===Pouring from the headphones... Shackeled: VH===

If you don't understand the depth of happiness, perhaps you someday will. I truly hope so. It's cold outside, but I can see flowers which will someday be opening their faces to the sun.

It's like I can hear the music in the mundane.

I should get the movie Tap with Gregory Hines again and watch it. I don't remember it very well, it has been a very long time since I"ve seen it.

But, the point is, he could, at one time, hear the music in the mundane. He could hear the rhythm in street noise... in white noise. He lost that ability for a long while... but by the end of the movie, he'd found it again.

And it was incredible.

That's what I feel like. I can see the beauty in the mundane. I can hear the music in the mundane. I can hear the heartbeat of the world in the mundane. I can hear the collective.

It's a feeling. It's the reality of being "tapped in". It fills me and overflows me. And I love it.

My Mother can't take that away. Oh, sure, I shut down for a while after our conversation the other day. I kinda just... faded out.

===Pouring from the headphones... Miracle: VH===

I did overreact to her comment. Not in feeling hurt, but in not exploring that hurt feeling, finding the basis and dealing with it. I just sat in my disappointment, ignoring the minor hurt. That doesn't work. It doesn't help. And I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense, am I?

*chuckles softly*

God is my support. He is the one who supports me unconditionally. He is the one I turn to for praise and support. And He gives it to me without question and without hesitation.

Thank you, Father, for life. For beauty and joy and happiness. Thank you, Father, for life. Thank you.

===Pouring from the headphones... Pass It Along: ChumbaWumba -- Suggested by Sympatico (everyone, DL this song... The whole point of it is to pass it along to as many people as possible)===

This is a great song, folks. Samples of 'Tallica, Madonna, Beatles, Elvis and many more. It's all about Napster and the hullabaloo surrounding the intent to charge Napster users for every song they DL.

Interesting.

Very interesting.

And on that note... I'm out of here, folks.

Peace unto thy hearts and enjoy yourselves. Play a little every chance you get.

*waves, then scampers off*