Bryan Series 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

If you haven't read them in order, you should. That's why I've included this handy little link system thing.

So, you looked into my eyes, you held my hands, you pulled me close to you and you told me you loved me. I felt pain so intense in my heart I thought it would break. I told you I loved you as well and that I wanted nothing more than to run with you back to the car. But, again, I said that you had responsibilities.

You nodded and agreed. You said that you would go back, work for three months and come back out to visit, for a longer time. I said I would save up and fly out to Colorado in six months. You smiled so brightly, nodding, saying that you couldn�t wait to show me your world. You told me I would fall in love with Colorado. I said you were probably right.

Again, you said you loved me, that you�d had an incredible time and that you couldn�t wait to see me again. I echoed all those sentiments. Then you leaned down and kissed me. You pulled back and said that kisses always come in pairs and I�d get the other one in three months. I leaned up and kissed you back, saying I couldn�t wait.

I shouldn�t have done that. I should have let just the one kiss suffice. Either that, or I should have kissed you a third time. But, I digress.

You looked almost disappointed. It surprised me, but I quickly wiped that from my memory, my hands still held in yours. You smiled into my eyes and you told me that you had to go. I nodded and said I loved you one more time. You walked away, our hands stretched, and then dropping back to our sides. You got on the plane, walked through the line and all, and you didn�t look back even once.

Once you were through the doors, I turned and started toward the van. I wanted to turn around and look for you, but I forced myself not to. If you had had the strength not to look back, surely I could have that same strength. I walked on, slowly. I pleaded for you to get off the plane and come running up to me. I pleaded for you to change your mind and come dashing after me, telling me that you simply couldn�t be that far away. I begged. But I didn�t cry.

I got all the way to the van, head up, shoulders straight, jaw clenched so that I wouldn�t cry. I had the keys in my hand and my hand on the door and I leaned against it, my legs weak, my breath coming in ragged gasps. But, I bit it back. I wouldn�t cry. You had had the strength to get on the plane without tears. I needed to have the strength to get into the car without tears.

So, I got in the van, started it and headed out of Seattle. I made it all the way south of Olympia before I simply couldn�t see the road clearly. I pulled over at a rest stop and allowed the tears to flow. I missed you so much. There was a hole in my life where you had been. I buried my face in the rose and smelled your love for me. I listened to the tape you made and heard your love for me. I looked over to the seat and saw that you weren�t there and the tears would start again.

I suppose I don�t really need to go through all of this. Suffice it to say, I spent the next few days in a confusing state of intense peace, haunting sadness and incredible joy. When I walked into the house, it felt empty, but there was still something there� I could still feel you, as if in my mind�s periphery. I could sense that you were there, even though you weren�t.

The next morning, I woke and discovered that you weren�t sleeping on the couch. I watched you anyway. I literally stood there for a few moments, watching the place you slept. You weren�t there, but you were there. Confusing, I know, but bear with me.

I went outside, waiting for you to come down for your first smoke of the morning. AS I was sitting there, remembering you in your sweats, with your sleep-tousled hair and your not-quite-open-yet eyes, a small kitten approached me. He was lost and alone and had a damaged tail. I told him about you. I told him that I loved you and that you loved me and that soon we would be together again.

I set the computer up upstairs and sent you an Email saying that I hoped you�d gotten home all right and that I missed you and that I�d had so much fun out here and that I couldn�t wait to see you again.

You didn�t respond.

It was quite a long time before you responded. It may have been only a week or so, but my memory says it was almost a month. When I got your letter, the lateness didn�t bother me. I saw your name in my Email inbox and my heart went through the roof. I was flying once again, strictly because you had written to me and I knew you were okay and I knew that our life was proceeding as planned.

And then I read your letter. You said that you�d enjoyed your visit. You said that you�d gotten home safely. And you said that you hoped what we did hadn�t meant anything to me. Then you said that you loved me like a part of your family; that I was important to you and as close as your brother. Basically, you had just told me that I�d gone down on my brother. Basically, you had just told me that I�d bared my breasts to my brother.

I couldn�t breathe. The screen went fuzzy, then blank. I couldn�t think. I�m not sure, but I think I actually moaned. You hoped what we did hadn�t meant anything to me. I was special to you, just like family, a sister.

I went cold inside. I intended to write back and tell you exactly how badly I was hurting. I intended to scream and rail and beat my fists against the wall. But I didn�t do any of those things. No. Instead of being honest, I told you that what we did hadn�t meant anything to me.

I didn�t want you to feel guilty. I didn�t want you to feel bad about your choice. I didn�t want you to be upset. But mostly, I didn�t want to admit how very intensely I felt about you. I didn�t want to admit that I was dying inside. I didn�t want to admit that all the peace, confidence, determination and whole-ness I had gained in those short, five days� I didn�t want to admit that they were gone.

You hoped what we did hadn�t meant anything to me.

So, why have I dredged up all these memories? Why have I shuddered and sighed and closed my eyes at remembered pain? Because I have grown some. Because I have learned some. And because I have the desire to hear your side of the story.

Almost three and a half years have passed since that time in my life. Almost a year and a half have passed since I was able to put �our� future away. (The day you got married to Liz I stopped hoping for you. It�s one of those �things� with me. If a man is married, he becomes completely off-limits and I am unable to be attracted, even if I wanted to be. It�s weird, but that�s me.) I have been curious about many things and I have long wanted to get some answers from you� some reasons� some closure.