Bryan Series 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

If you haven't read them in order, you should. That's why I've included this handy little link system thing.

All right, for all of you who are interested in the more melodramatic aspects of my life, the following entries (yes, entries, plural) are for you.

I recently discovered a website with Bryan�s picture and a few Email addresses; for him and various family members. I got to see pictures of his brother, sister-in-law and nephew (the boy is cute). I also got to see a couple of the wedding pictures from Bryan�s own wedding.

I was a little surprised. Not just that I found this information so easily, but that Bryan had changed in physical appearance. He was really very different in the pictures. It was still him, but� He had really changed. He looked happy but, there was something� *shrugs* different.

Anyway, before I was really aware of what I was doing, I�d sent a short Email to him asking how he was, telling him how I�d come across the Email addy and that I hoped his life was well. The next day he responded with a short Email saying that all was well and asking how my life was going.

To be completely honest, I was shocked that he had replied and that he had replied so quickly. It almost felt as if he had been waiting for that Email from me. *laughs* (for those of you who may doubt my motivations, I do not and did not think he was actually pining away for me in some bizarre fantasy realm. Trust me on that one.)

So, for the past week and a half, I have been thinking about my reply. I�ve been thinking about how to respond, if I really should, what all I should say and whether or not I should just walk away and never think about him again, in any light. However, that�s not my style on so many levels it�s laughable.

Last night, I sat down here at the computer and spent a little over four hours writing Bryan a letter. I spilled out everything I was thinking and feeling and wanting to know from him. However, in order to send that specific letter to Bryan, I would have to have a death wish.

First off, you do NOT send your ex a letter filled with comments about how much you loved them when said ex is married to someone else. That�s just not cool. Also, you do NOT, absolutely not, discuss any of the actions between yourself and the ex when it is not just possible, but likely, that the wife will read the letter.

You do not do these things out of respect for the relationship the ex and his wife have built together. You refrain from the petty and oft-times vindictive arsenal because even if you aren�t in love with the ex, you care enough about the sanctity of marriage that you do not tamper with it. At least, those are the reasons that I won�t send the letter, as it is now, to Bryan.

However, I have no qualms at all about sharing the letter with the five people who read this diary on a semi-daily basis (when I actually get off my arse to update). And, since the only person close enough to Bryan to possibly recognize him hasn�t been able to access the net in a while and is too mature to be petty toward him, I�m not worried about that aspect. If Bryan and his wife lived near Sympatico, I�d have to refrain from posting this letter. *grins, winking*

So, without further ado, here is the long (and I do mean looooooooooooooooong) letter to Bryan spilling everything. Once I get it pared down, I�ll post the edited version too. I�m hoping to take 24 pages (in the word processor) and pare it down to about two. Wish me luck. *grins*

Bryan,

I�ve been contemplating how to write this. To be honest, I didn�t actually expect you to respond. I was caught off guard when you did, and even more so, when you did so quickly.

To preface all of this, I would like to make a request. I ask that you don�t share this with Liz until after you�ve read through it. There are a few different reasons for this request. First, I don�t want her to feel jealous of something that was brief and in the past. Sometimes a woman just doesn�t want to know the details of her husband�s previous relationships. Sometimes she is more happy to know that her husband had a previous relationship and leave it at that.

Secondly, I don�t want you to be embarrassed in front of her, and many of the issues I wish to discuss might, possibly, be embarrassing for you � they�re embarrassing to me in some ways: they�re not something I would share with others. Lastly, the relationship was with you, not her, and I would simply feel more comfortable knowing that you read through this alone, in private. After you have gone through it, if you choose to, you can share it with her. She may have some insight, even.

I suppose what I�m really seeking here is �closure�. I was confused, for a long while, about our relationship. I knew we were friends; close friends. I thought we were more. At least, I was more. Hmmm, this is becoming confusing already. Perhaps I should go about this as if I were writing a formal paper. That might make more sense.

I�ll start with the year previous to your visit.

For a little over a year, give or take a few months when one or the other of us were unable to get online, you and I wrote steadily back and forth. For a period of about six months straight, we wrote daily, multiple times a day (night, rather). In my understanding, we were building a secure friendship. I wanted more and hinted about that often. You were non-committal.

We had a best-friend relationship for quite a while. We shared secrets and hopes and dreams. You would often tell me of your sexual exploits. Granted, they were few, but far more than mine. We talked long and often.

When you came out here in October of �99, it was with the understanding that we were friends, close friends. You were going to visit and possibly check out the job opportunities. I was going to show you the sites and talk you into staying out here.

I picked you up at the airport and fell in need of you instantly. Something happened when I looked into your eyes that first time. Something happened inside me that responded to you on a visceral level. I�d never experienced that before.

Yet, I controlled myself. I knew that physical attraction was not love and that I needed to not react to my gut instinct. I needed to put some distance between your body and mine. I didn�t want to, damn I didn�t want to. I wanted to jump you right there, to hold on to you and trap you in my heart and soul and never, ever, ever let you go.