Bryan Series 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

If you haven't read them in order, you should. That's why I've included this handy little link system thing.

I would like to know, first and foremost, did you love me?

My opinion now, using hind-sight, is that you were in love with the experience. I am of the opinion that you really enjoyed the time out here and that you had a lot of fun. I think that you genuinely liked me, but that I was a ��vacation fling�� rather than someone you really loved.

Secondly, did you know that I really and honestly loved you?

My opinion is that you didn��t understand how intense my feelings were. I think that you didn��t realize my love was legitimate and real and not some desire- or lust-based fixation. I think that you believed my emotion/feeling/love was surface deep. I also think that you simply hadn��t experienced enough life to know what love looked and felt like. I could be very wrong about that, though.

Third, did our intimacy truly mean nothing to you?

I would like to think that it did, indeed, mean something to you. I have told myself that you said it meant nothing in order to make you feel less guilty. I have wondered about this quite a bit and I have thought that maybe when you got back to Colorado and spoke with your mother, your confidant, about me, that she was mildly offended because of my size.

Granted, this is more a selfish thought than an honest, non-emotional thought, but I have wondered, often, about why there was such a tremendous difference between the day you left, and all communications afterward. And, because we all live in a world where people of large size are frequently shunned, ignored and thought to be ignorant and lazy; I don��t think it��s unreasonable to suggest that perhaps your mother was embarrassed by the thought of her precious and favorite son marrying/being in a relationship with a woman five years older than he AND very over weight.

When you asked me about your endowment and I answered honestly, did that offend you? And, would you have reacted differently/been more interested in me if I had lied?

I know this is rather petty a thing to ask, but again, I wonder at the reason for the change in you. I have wondered about whether or not there would have been a different outcome if I had given a different answer. I��d just like to know.

When you kissed me, said that I��d get the other when next we met and I didn��t wait, was that a test of some kind? Did my kissing you prompt you to decide that I wasn��t the girl for you?

I am of the opinion that you made a decision at that moment. I think that maybe, because I wasn��t willing to wait, or because of some other reason, I don��t know�K Was that a test? Were you seeing if I could be patient?

When you made me promise to keep the rose, to hang it, dry it and keep it, was that honestly from your heart to mine, or was that a romantic line? Were you saying that to make me think I meant more to you than I really did?

This may also seem petty, but it isn��t to me. Throughout the two years after you left, I would look at that rose. I would smell it and even though it was dry and the petals were brittle, it still smelled of rose. Every time I felt bad, I would look at that rose, remember your smile, remember the devotion in your eyes and force myself to hold on a little longer.

During the months of March through October of ��01, every time I looked at that rose, I felt taken advantage of. I felt as if you were punching me in the gut. I felt as if my entire world were being destroyed yet again. Every time I looked at it, every time I smelled it, I would smell nothing but dust. In the two weeks I was in Dallas and Mississippi that rose went from smelling like a rose to smelling like dust. That always amazed me.

When I got home from Dallas, with the knowledge that you were getting married, I went to my room, took the rose and held it over the trash can. I tried throwing it away. I tried so hard. But then, I would remember the promise and I would tell myself that you weren��t married yet. Then I would smell the rose and all I could smell was dust. My heart sank every time that happened. Part of me believed that if you emailed me out of the blue and said that the engagement was off, that the rose would again smell like a rose. But you never did, and it never did.

In September of that year, while I was cleaning up for the move (we��re in a new house, by the way), I sat on my floor with that rose in my hands. I knew you were getting married in a month. I also knew that whether you meant it at the time or not, the promise didn��t mean anything anymore. I knew that you were truly and honestly in love with someone else, someone you��d loved from the time you were in high school. I knew that you and I would not happen. Slowly, almost as if it were a ritual, I whispered a prayer for your happiness. I asked God to watch over you and Liz and I asked Him to bless your wedding. I then, slowly, placed the rose in the trash can. The promise it came with wasn��t mine anymore. The promise that rose came with, is Liz��s promise.

�� And, just so you know, October ��01, I wanted every good and just thing for you and Liz. I wanted the two of you to be deliriously happy with each other. I wanted, and still want, the two of you to have many, beautiful children. I pray for your joy, happiness and peace quite frequently. I pray for the both of you to have peace of mind. And, I pray that you and she will grow in love for each other. And, believe it or not, I hope with everything I am, that her love so far surpasses mine that you feel it down to your toes every time you look at her. I pray that she is good to you, and that you are good to her. And Bryan, I mean this with every fiber of my being. �V

So, I threw the rose away. For a month I thought about trying to find it, trying to get it back, trying to get that promise back. But, it wasn��t mine anymore. And I didn��t need it. And in October, something inside me changed. It was instant. I didn��t love you anymore. I still care about your life, but I don��t love you anymore. You��re someone else��s husband and I��m very happy that you have found such joy with her. It means a lot to me that you have that now. It means a whole lot.

When you were protective of me in the Market, was that just an instinctual reaction? Was that something you would do for any female, or did you actually feel the need to protect me because I was special to you? I mean, did you do the protective thing because I am female and you��d do that for any female, or did you protect me because I was YOUR female?

This one is just one of those curiosity things. When you did it, I thought it meant more than just a man protecting a woman. But it may have been just that, the simple act of a man protecting a woman.