Bryan Series 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

If you haven't read them in order, you should. That's why I've included this handy little link system thing.

I hurt more with you because I loved more. I loved completely and without reservation. When you walked up those stairs and I saw you and time stopped, the thing that happened was I was healed. I was instantly and completely healed of all the pains and sorrows and difficulties. Everything which was even slightly negative in my life had been done away with. I was made new. Because I was made new, the pain that came from the broken heart, was completely unexpected, total and without surcease.

Since that time, however, I have come to some realizations about my own life. I have realized that to base my worth upon someone else�s opinion of me is foolish, petty and guaranteed to hurt in the long run; besides the fact that it�s totally and completely inaccurate.

One of the problems I had while you were out here and I felt so completely loved and accepted by you, is that regardless as to what the rest of the world thought, you enjoyed my company because it was ME. You liked me for who and what I was, not in spite of who and what I was. Duncan loved me for who he thought I was. I loved or loathed me for who other people thought I was. But you, you looked at me without disgust. You admired my intelligence and you respected me. That wasn�t faked. That wasn�t a mistake.

Regardless as to whether or not you actually �loved� me, you respected me and enjoyed me and liked me. I believe you still do. I also believe that if you and I passed on the street, we�d stop each other, hug and go grab a cup of coffee and talk about our lives.

Personally, I think you�d like me more now because now I know who and what I am and I LIKE who and what I am. I think you�d respect me more now because I recognize my own value and I don�t rely on someone else to tell me what I�m worth. I think you would admire me more now because all in all I�m a better person. I know a little more about life, I know a little more about love and I know a little more about being happy.

Bryan, if you take nothing else with you from this letter, please be sure to remember this:

I am happy. I like who and what I am. I am at peace. I am thrilled with every day God gives me. And, I am filled, every day, with joy the likes of which I�ve never experienced before. Life is so wonderful and it is a precious and much cherished gift. I am so very thankful that God has seen fit to pull me out of depression and guide me, gently, toward the purpose for which He designed me.

I thank God, often, for giving me the experience of loving you as deeply and intensely as I did. I thank God for giving me the experience of heart break, so devastating that I thought I would never be whole again � and then making me whole again. Oh Bryan, my life is so much� so fantastically much better now than it ever has been.

The way I felt when time stopped with you on the stairs� that�s the way I feel now, every day. IF you haven�t heard it, get the Tim McGraw song Unbroken. That�s how I feel. But, and here�s a real shocker, the person I�m in love with? It�s me. I�ve met the most wonderful, interesting, intriguing and odd person. Me. And you know what? I happen to like me. A lot. A whole lot.

You see, in October of �01, after you got married, I started to think about my life. I started to think about the choices I�d made and why I�d made them. I started analyzing my past in order to learn from it rather than repeat it.

In the process, I realized that I am pretty cool. *grins* I realized that I was not designed to be a submissive little mouse with a quiet voice and an invisible wall around me. I was designed to be seen and heard.

I mean really, think about it. I�m 6�1� and weigh in at 350 lbs (right now anyway). I have red hair and green eyes and freckles everywhere. In a world where the average female is 5�6� and the average male is 6�, how easy is it for me to be passed over? *laughs brightly* I have a loud voice, a voice designed to be heard over an orchestra. Nothing about me says diminutive. Nothing about me says subtle. *grins*

When I accepted the above, my own fear left. My fear of what I looked like and whether or not others would see the real me or just some fat chick went away. It�s gone, completely. I like who I am and the body is just the wrapper. Hell, I don�t get cold because I�m insulated. I�m stripping the insulation off and in time, I will not only be tall and obvious and loud (sometimes) but I will also be a knock out. *grins*

So, I guess the bottom line is this: If you have the time, I�d like to know what you were thinking when you were doing and saying the things you did. I�d like to know so that I have a better frame of reference. I want to know what my thoughts, actions and words inspired in you and how to learn from instead of repeat my mistakes.

I�ll probably edit this down before sending it. I�m sure there�s a lot of emotional stuff in it that you neither need nor want. But there are some questions I will leave in because I want the reference points.

And, since I�ve been writing this letter for nearly four hours, and since it�s now 21 pages long, nearly 22, and since it�s 12:30 in the morning, I�m going to close this, let Joey out, go potty and go to bed. I�m a tired puppy.

So, honestly and earnestly, peace unto thy heart, my friend.

So, that's it. That's the entire letter. And, if you've actually read all of it, then you're probably severely in need of a bathroom break now. I'll post the pared down version probably by the end of the day today. don't quote me on that though.

Love and all that other mushy stuff...

J