Bryan Series 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

If you haven't read them in order, you should. That's why I've included this handy little link system thing.

When you got back to Colorado, why didn��t you write and tell me you��d made it back safely? And, why did you wait so long to respond to my emails?

Like I said before, I think that maybe your Mom had something to do with that. I know that she was the most important person in your world. I also know that you and she talked about everything together, just as my mom and I do. I think that maybe she was embarrassed for all the reasons I stated previously.

I��m also thinking that maybe you had questions about things I did and when you asked her about them, maybe she gave you wrong interpretations. It has long been my style to ask someone directly what their actions mean, but most people in this world ask their friends and confidants what someone��s actions mean. So, I was wondering if maybe you were confused about some of the things I did or said, asked her about them, and got wrong interpretations.

I also wonder if you didn��t write because I told you to go back home. I wonder if things would have been different if I had told you to stay. I know that I told you to take care of your responsibilities because responsibility is a big thing to me.

I��ve talked about this with my mom and she was of the opinion that I should have just brought you back to the beach. She thought there really wasn��t anything major you had to take care of and you could have had a friend or family member box up your stuff and send it out here. But, and this is important, I do not regret sending you home. If the situation were repeated at this juncture of my life, I would make the same choice. I would again require you to make the decision on your own. I probably would have explained the ��why�� better, but I would still tell you to go home and take care of your responsibilities there before returning to me. What��s more, I��d say the same thing to anyone in that situation.

When I called you the following January to find out how you were (due to the lack of Email contact) and you told me about falling in love with the girl there (the one who turned out to be a lying bitch), could you tell I was crying? Did you notice that I cut the phone call short because I couldn��t keep the tears from coursing down my cheeks? Did you tell me about her as a way of telling me that you had never been in love with me?

It is my opinion that you didn��t know. It is my opinion that you had no idea how much pain I was in. I think that if you had known, you would have done something, anything, to ease my pain. I think that now. As I think I mentioned previously, I��ve grown up a bit. Also, I don��t believe that you told me about her with the intention of hurting me or telling me you didn��t love me. Personally, I think you told me about her because you were excited, considered me to be your best friend, and wanted to share your joy with me.

Though it would be nice for me to continue thinking that, I would like the truth. (but please, let the truth be what I think)

When that same girl put you through hell, and I supported you with every bit of strength I had, did you know that I meant every word I said? Did you realize that I still loved you with every ounce of my being? Did you realize that if you had asked me to, I would have scraped up money from somewhere and flown out to you? Did you truly understand that when I said you should come out to the beach and get away from her and everything there: and when you said I was right and you would do that: did you realize that you had filled my heart with so much hope and joy that I couldn��t stop grinning? And when you told me that you just couldn��t afford to come out here, did you realize that I was plummeted back to the earth so hard and so fast that I couldn��t breathe for what felt like an hour?

I think this is more accusatory than I had actually intended it to be. I was caught up in the remembered emotion. Suffice it to say, I was doing my best to support you in every way I knew how. I wanted you to know that even if she DID turn out to be preggers, I would love you and take care of you and love the child as if it were my own. Turns out I didn��t have to worry about that. AT the time, however, I was professing my devotion to you. I was telling you that no matter what you had done, I would love you through it.

Did you ever, even once, realize that I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything before or since? Did you know, did you understand, that I loved you more than my mother? It seemed so obvious to me. Did you know?

This is true. I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone else, before or since. That won��t always be the case. I will eventually fall in love again, but for now, I just want to get my life in order, you know? I spent last year, from September ��01 to September ��02 getting my head on straight and figuring out who and what I was�K and loving who and what I was. This year, from September ��02 to September ��03, I��m working on the body. Okay, so it hasn��t been magic yet, but hell, I��m working out three days a week and between Dad��s heart attack and Gram��s trouble, I��m doing a half-way decent job of just getting up in the morning. But, I��ll elaborate on that later.

And finally, when I was in Dallas in ��01 and called you, did you hear the pain, anger, rage, confusion and desperation in my voice when you told me you were engaged to Liz? Could you tell that my heart had shattered into a million pieces when you said you were going to marry her in October of that year? Did you hear it shatter?

I heard it and I thought the sound was so loud that everyone in the apartment complex in De Soto could hear it too. (the rest of that line was edited out due to it being far too accusatory and just plain stupid.) At the time, it hurt like hell to hear you so happy, so proud, so pleased. I thought I had done something really wrong.

For a long time I wondered if there were any way I could have changed the course of events. I wondered if I could have made you love me more or if I could have done something, anything, to show you I was being real. For a while I even told myself that no one would ever love you the way I did. I was really pretty severely broken up over it.

You were the first person I ever really and honestly, with my whole heart, loved. And you were the only person who ever totally and completely shattered my heart. The stuff I went through with Duncan wasn��t fun, and it wasn��t joyful and it wasn��t anything I want to repeat, but it didn��t hurt as bad as the pain I received in regard to you.

�� And please, before you go too far into guilty feelings and worry and concern and all that, please know that I am healthy now. There is very definitely a positive ending to this story, you just have to wait a little longer for it. �V